Special edition: Fundy math is hard

I realize that starting out with functions last week was probably a bit too advanced, so let’s back up and review the basics of right-wing fundamentalist math, shall we? First, we’ll count by twos:

“2, 4, 6, 8
what do we appreciate?
man-woman marriage!”

1, 3, 5, 7, queers will never get to heaven! Seems simple enough. Okay, let’s move on to addition:

“woman + woman = weirdness
man + man = weirdness
woman + man = sweet bliss”

I just knew some class clown was going to make a snappy comeback about this, and sure enough, one of you jokers had to go and post “actually, woman + woman = Pay Per View!” That’s not funny. Focus. We’ve got lots still to do.

“Johny’s homework: Jim has two apples, HIS HUSBAND eats one. How many are left? That’s the day I take my kids out of school…”

It’s two subtraction problems in one! “Johny’s class has fifty-seven students, thanks to No Child Left Behind. Johny’s daddy yanks him out of school so that Johny doesn’t find out that gay people consume produce. How many students are left?” [BONUS: "Johny's name used to have two N's. One went mysteriously missing. How many are left?"]

Feeling confident? Then let’s tackle something a little trickier.

“for those who know basic algebra, man (m) + woman (w) = marriage m does not equal w, therefore m + m does not equal marriage and w + w does not equal marriage”

And for those who don’t know algebra, M+M equals “melts in your mouth, not in your hand.” ….That’s not funny either! You kids need to get your minds out of the gutter! Honestly—how juvenile do you have to be to think that math has anything to do with sex?