Is can see clearly now

“Is can see from your response that you are very flamboyant and has little self-control so I will keep it simple for you. Marriage is between a woman and a man, no matter how much you flame. You are upset with myself because I exude intelligence, logic and reason, traits that you severly lack.”

You say “exude,” I say  “wouldn’t recognize if they whacked your[self] over your sever[e]ly and inexplicably inflated head.” Potato, potahto.

See you in homo hell

“Hell is sure to be over-populated one day from all this same sex stuff.”

Perfect. Since the wingnuts are convinced that same-sex marriage will doom the human race to extinction here on the mortal coil, this should even things out.

Then what’s it doing in our Constitution?

“This isn’t a Constitutional issue. Its a GOD issue. Maybe we should go back to biblical punishments of stoning and hanging one on a cross for their crimes.”

Apparently Holy Week has taught us nothing. Crucifixion doesn’t even work; three days later the perp is up and running around again.

You have the right to remain stupid

“It’s a good when the undocumented workers of this State have more rights then it’s citizens. You have a right to be gay. THAT”S YOUR RIGHT, I have the right not to be gay..THAT”S MY RIGHT !! Now shut up already and get back to work.”

My mind continues to boggle at the sheer number of people who seem genuinely to believe that Proposition 8 was the only thing standing between themselves and a mandatory new life as a gay swinger. At least the perceptive citation of immigration law gives this one its own special pizzazz.

The Mystery of the Missing Marriage Rights

“This sounds gay to me. I don’t want my marriage called anything but a marriage. Same sex can call there’s anything but marriage. The Nancy boys and Johnny Girls just won’t stop till they get everyone licked.”

As someone who grew up on the sexless sleuthing of Nancy Drew and the Dana Girls, I got all nostalgic reading this comment, and I began to envision a new line of Nancy Boys and Johnny Girls mystery books for queer and questioning kids. Then I realized that the very first Hardy Boys mystery involves a guy who wears a wig and steals a jalopy called “The Queen,” so maybe I’m too late.

An old clock and a study lamp to Joy for sending this gem!

Funky Flawed Medina

“No we are wise as serpents,and you guys would love to catch us with our pants down (no punt) we are wise to the tricks you guys pull the sore loser you are..dont even say that you people wouldnt try that for the $$$.come on..all is fair when money is involved to pay out..no im old school i like women as tone loke said,i have no plans with a man’ this is the 80’s i love the ladies..sorry dude”

I’m about as hip to the ins and outs of rap music as the average cloistered nun, but I do try to do my research when a FF contributor throws an unfamiliar pop-culture reference my way. So now, after a serpentine (no punt!) Google-journey back to the late ’80s,  I know who Tone-Loc is, and I know that this mangled attempt at a quotation comes from his hit song “Funky Cold Medina,” and I know that it’s a wee bit ironic to bolster your argument for traditional heterosexual courtship and marriage by citing a song about a cavalier date-rapist.

Insert “balls in the air” joke here

“Why does the gay community have to go for the church’s juggler (the term: marriage) and risk getting slammed? Is the gay community just being hateful here, or am I missing something… and if I am then I am sure you will tell me.”

This is how great ideas are born. How much more awesome would church be if it came with circus acts? I’m picturing high-wire homilies, offering-plate spinners, acolytes who eat the candles rather than simply snuffing them out, and Rick Warren as the head clown.

Gay marriage: Now with soi-disant horse pucky!

“Sean Penn I (aka) Jeff Spicoli, is the true Jackass, donkey or whatever nasty animule you choose. He touts Obi Wan Obama the One, the high and mighty Messiah, the Grand Pooh Bah the mystic purveyor of teleprompter, the politico pédants manqué but fails to recall how even The Great one, the Grand panjandrum, his venerated Obi Wan is publically anti this anathama of soi-disant horse pucky term and idea of ‘Gay marriage ‘. Unless of course anything Obi wan says is known to be bovine scatology to the Dem’O'leming followers en masse.”

At times like this, I really can’t do any better than to quote Jeff Spicoli: “Awesome. Totally awesome.”

On first looking into Chapman’s homos

“If Chapman University has any responsibility in destroyin what marriage really is (man and a women) …. my money will stop and my children can find another school of their dreams.. signed… Alumni , a man and a women graduate.”

If Chapman University had any responsibility in educating you, I’m fairly certain they’ll forgo your monetary contributions in exchange for a confidentiality agreement.

A Clear and Present Danger….to Ellen DeGeneres

“If it is true that gay is not a choice then please explain one of your own hollywood stars Ann Hesh? Why did she flattly state that she was gay and then after doing a film with Harrison Ford she ’suddenly’ was not gay anymore?”

Um….she got confused when he invited her to take a ride in his DeHaviland Beaver?

Un-wedding favors

“My relationship with my wife would not change if our marriage was disovled by a vote. It would probably bring us closer. Don’t be so paumpus.”

I’m ashamed. It hadn’t even occurred to me to say “thank you” to the Prop 8 supporters for bringing me closer to my girlfriend. Clearly I need to readjust my moral caumpus.

Happy holidays, gerbils and jackanapes!

“Yo Green on Thursday prissy pants folks. Do something useful with your waste of time lives… Instead of acting like a bunch of Jackanapes moaning and flaunting your gauche ways and weird ASH’d lackof life styles, crying about not being able to marry a same messed up bundle of sticks like yourself , go out and buy the new contemptible EID Mubarak stamp and put em where the sun don’t supposed to shine. Make a pent up gerbil happy. Tell some one Merry Christmas ya schmucks ya.”

Uh, all right, sir. I don’t want any trouble. Merry Christmas*, everybody! I’m headed out of town for the week, but I’ll see you in 2009.

* And happy Hanukkah, Solstice, Eid, Kwanzaa, Festivus, and/or entirely secular day off work, too—just don’t tell this guy I said so, okay? He scares me a little.

Logic that makes the baby Jesus cry

“Well, since Christmas is celebrated as a national holiday don’t you think that [singing Christmas songs in public schools] would be appropriate? Most Americans would! I do! Since He is the reason for this season, it only makes sense, doesn’t it? Do people sing happy birthday to someone else during your birthday celebration? Probably not! Jesus is non~religious!! He was a person, even though He was God! Singing songs about His birth is not a religious event.”

This is all so confusing. If Jesus is going to have a secret secular identity, then he also needs some sort of superhero-style catch-phrase, so that we can tell when he’s religious and when he’s not. “Wonderful Counselor Powers, Activate!”? “JESUS SMASH”? “O Holy Night, Christman!”?

We really dodged a bullet

“Humans now stand a chance of surviving.You see it takes a MAN and a WOMAN to keep producing PEOPLE.”

I’m beginning to believe that the “No on 8″ campaign may have over-thought its strategy. Maybe “Unfair and wrong” was too advanced. Maybe we simply should have created mailers that said “Attention: The human race is in no danger of extinction, and the heterosexuals of California will not instantly turn gay if Proposition 8 is defeated. Relaaax.”

Also, Titanic would have been better if the boat hadn’t sunk

“I tried to watch the movie Brokeback Mountain last night. It seemed like a good movie with a good story until the intimate parts between two men. It was so revolting, I had to change the TV channel. My opinion…it would have been a much better film if it had just been about two buddies, without all the gross gay stuff (kissing, etc). The same goes for my views on gay marriage, and that’s why I voted for Prop 8.”

So…..you’d be fine with same-sex marriage if only the law didn’t require you to watch streaming video from our bedrooms?

[Thou] shalt not butcher the English language

“Why are so against God?
Have been by the US Supreme Court building lately?
I do believe that Moses is there hold the ten commandments, and he is surrounded by who?
God has been a part of the USA from the very beginning, or do you not understand history?
What is your beef now?”

Illiteracy my beef. Have been English class lately? Why are so against second-person pronouns? By the way, I do believe Moses surrounded by Confucius, Mohammed, and other non-Biblical heavies on Supreme Court building, but not allow facts interfere compelling argument.

Kilgon, take me away

“If it wasn’t obvious before, or if you’ve been living in the Kilgon Empire the last year, the passions on both side of this issue tend to run a bit highand, for some, out of control at times. Yes on 8.”

Geekdom: FAIL.

Aw, that’s sweet

“Homosexuality is a condition that can be treated. There is no sexual behavior that we are born with. Based on life expectancy it is more unhealthy than smoking cigarettes and the government should not be endorsing unhealthy behavior. Hopefully proposition 8 is just the beginning and we will soon have proposition prohibiting the adoption of children by homosexuals. To all homosexuals reading this do not take it as rejection, to the contrary take at as someone who cares enough to tell you the truth, though political correctness tries to oppress it there is help out there.”

Thanks, man. You know, I care enough to tell you the truth about yourself, too, but this is a family blog.

I’m you’re worst nightmare

“It is hardly YOU’RE place to tell anyone what their children learn in school. Who the hell do you think you are?”

No. I can’t. It’s too easy.

it’s always ourselves we find in the o.c.

“YOU PEOPLE ARE RETARDED JUST AS THE GAYS. BEING GAY IS A DISPICKABLE STATE OF MIND. AND HAROLD I AGREE CHILDREN NEED A MOTHER AND FATHER NOT A MAMA AND BUTCH AND FAIRY AND SAM”

This commenter’s concluding phrase reminds me of nothing so much as the e.e. cummings poem “maggie and milly and molly and may,” except with the Caps Lock key emphatically employed, because real, non-dispickable men (including Harold) don’t go lower-case.