The math of God shall be upon your head

“If ‘Math’ is the state of being and ‘addition’ is the ethic, the the ’sum’ is the moral, i. e.
1+2=3 (A true state of being)
If we ‘redefine’ the ethic by changing the symbol (+) to (-), yet cling to the first ‘moral’ then we get;
1-2=3 (a false state of being or a lie)
The True Moral of the second being is (-1);
1-2=-1 (a true statement of the second being)
This isn’t to say that addition is ‘better’ than subtraction, it only illustrates that the truth, regardless of the ethic, will always lead to an honest moral that is constructive to the state of being; in this case Math.
If math is a ‘universal concept’ then its processes apply to all ‘things’. Since [same-gender marriage] is a thing, then ‘math’ applies, there for SGM does not equal M. I suspect those who adopt policies [that] defy something as simple as math are the first to go.”

We can only hope.

Very crafty

“Since perhaps you are a homosexual of course you would love not to be judged as vile and discusting of a human being. Therefore you cut out most of the epistle’s of Paul and replace with those of which you assume contradict Paul’s rather stern words against homosexuality. Very convenient, organized, and tidy as most homosexuals tend themselves to be.”

Welcome to Bible-Desecrating with the Anal-Retentive Sodomite! Today we’ll create perfectly symmetrical papier-mâché napkin rings from the pages of Paul’s letters, and tomorrow we’ll be applying our X-acto knives to Leviticus to turn tired Old-Testament proscriptions into neat yet festive origami tiaras.

Life, liberty, and full immersion

“Just ’cause you keep calling marriage a ‘right’ doesn’t make it so. If marriage is a ‘right’, then baptism must be a ‘right’, right?”

Rite.

Another sham (wow) marriage

“Sorry I don’t care who has a union with who.
Who marries who yes.
But right now I am mulling over something important.
Whether or not to but a Sham Wow.”

Well, I’m glad you’re being Proactiv about this marriage issue. We can’t have people getting Snuggie with just anyone, or putting their Magic Bullet where it doesn’t belong.

The Mystery of the Missing Marriage Rights

“This sounds gay to me. I don’t want my marriage called anything but a marriage. Same sex can call there’s anything but marriage. The Nancy boys and Johnny Girls just won’t stop till they get everyone licked.”

As someone who grew up on the sexless sleuthing of Nancy Drew and the Dana Girls, I got all nostalgic reading this comment, and I began to envision a new line of Nancy Boys and Johnny Girls mystery books for queer and questioning kids. Then I realized that the very first Hardy Boys mystery involves a guy who wears a wig and steals a jalopy called “The Queen,” so maybe I’m too late.

An old clock and a study lamp to Joy for sending this gem!

Funky Flawed Medina

“No we are wise as serpents,and you guys would love to catch us with our pants down (no punt) we are wise to the tricks you guys pull the sore loser you are..dont even say that you people wouldnt try that for the $$$.come on..all is fair when money is involved to pay out..no im old school i like women as tone loke said,i have no plans with a man’ this is the 80’s i love the ladies..sorry dude”

I’m about as hip to the ins and outs of rap music as the average cloistered nun, but I do try to do my research when a FF contributor throws an unfamiliar pop-culture reference my way. So now, after a serpentine (no punt!) Google-journey back to the late ’80s,  I know who Tone-Loc is, and I know that this mangled attempt at a quotation comes from his hit song “Funky Cold Medina,” and I know that it’s a wee bit ironic to bolster your argument for traditional heterosexual courtship and marriage by citing a song about a cavalier date-rapist.

Sulfpher the little children

“DISGUSTING SODOMITES. The purest sulfpher in the world can be found at whats left over from the ancient city of Sodom and Gemorah. The purest sulpher(brimestone) rained down on those people, because of their homosexuality, beastialty and their pedophilles who walked the streets free. What are these people going to do when an earthquake takes away the electricity for their TV and refrigerator. What happens when their food and water supply they take for GRANTED, is taken away? Big Brother dosen’t care about the individual. The only place your headed to is a FEMA Concentration Camp”

I, for one, feel a lot better knowing that when the Last Judgment comes, FEMA will be on hand to restore order with their characteristic competence and compassion. Heckuva job, Big Brother! (No one could have predicted that a lake of fire would open up and swallow the wicked….)

Weird science

“CO is not he same as CO2. Close, but not the same. One fizzes your soda, the other one kills you. How ‘the same’ is that? It’s not. Simplar, yes. But the difference is significant.”

Not a moment too soon, the Knights Simplar galloped onto the scene to crusade against nuanced thought and intelligent discourse.

Insert “balls in the air” joke here

“Why does the gay community have to go for the church’s juggler (the term: marriage) and risk getting slammed? Is the gay community just being hateful here, or am I missing something… and if I am then I am sure you will tell me.”

This is how great ideas are born. How much more awesome would church be if it came with circus acts? I’m picturing high-wire homilies, offering-plate spinners, acolytes who eat the candles rather than simply snuffing them out, and Rick Warren as the head clown.

We will never be de-feeted

“People like you are true lost soles.”

Where did I put my combat boots?

The traveling homosexual problem

“Every year, a quarter or more of homosexuals visit another country.20 Fresh American germs get taken to Europe, Africa and Asia. And fresh pathogens from these continents come here. Foreign homosexuals regularly visit the U.S. and participate in this biological swapmeet.”

Finally, a logical explanation for the high mortality rate in Palm Springs.

(By the way, I had a hunch that that random “20″ was an endnote reference that our commenter forgot to delete, so I did a little Googling. Turns out this paragraph was lifted directly from a Family Research Institute pamphlet about how gay men are relentlessly icky and distressingly non-xenophobic; among other things, it informs us that “gays carried HIV from New York City to the rest of the world.” If you’d like to read a delicious take-down of this paragraph, and an explanation of why its statistics are ludicrous as presented, click here.)

(And yes, the post title is for all you math geeks.)

Put this in your feed bag and chew on it

“Here’s one to chew on…Whoa to those who call good evil and evil good.”

Ah, yes, the immortal words of Thomas Equinas.

Atalanta gets the carrot for this one.

Only you can prevent preverts

“TO ALLOW SAME SEX MARRIAGE HERE IN CALIFORNIA OPENS THE DOOR FOR SODAM AND GOMMORRA LIFESTYLES, AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDED..IN THE BIBLE STORY, GUY LIVING THERE IN SODAM TOLD THE PREVERTS TO TAKE HIS DAUGHTER INSTEAD OF THE ANGEL…WE ARE CHOOSING TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN…YES ON 8″

I’m Sodam tired of these people.

The ski masks really mess up our hair, though

“homosexuals will not be satisfied until they get our childrens minds turning towards their homosexual lifestyle.We have turned everything on its head saying what is unatural as natural.Like the militant muslims who want a world run by the Islamic religion homosexuals main aim is the complete surrender of the heterosexual way of life to the world gay liberation front”

First, the Gay Liberation Front broke into Focus on the Family’s laboratories under cover of darkness and released dozens of gays from their cages, simultaneously destroying years of careful research and unleashing a swarm of helpless homosexuals into the wild. Then, we staged a hostile takeover of the straight folks’ commas and apostrophes. Who knows what we’ll do next?

Gay marriage: Now with soi-disant horse pucky!

“Sean Penn I (aka) Jeff Spicoli, is the true Jackass, donkey or whatever nasty animule you choose. He touts Obi Wan Obama the One, the high and mighty Messiah, the Grand Pooh Bah the mystic purveyor of teleprompter, the politico pédants manqué but fails to recall how even The Great one, the Grand panjandrum, his venerated Obi Wan is publically anti this anathama of soi-disant horse pucky term and idea of ‘Gay marriage ‘. Unless of course anything Obi wan says is known to be bovine scatology to the Dem’O'leming followers en masse.”

At times like this, I really can’t do any better than to quote Jeff Spicoli: “Awesome. Totally awesome.”

On first looking into Chapman’s homos

“If Chapman University has any responsibility in destroyin what marriage really is (man and a women) …. my money will stop and my children can find another school of their dreams.. signed… Alumni , a man and a women graduate.”

If Chapman University had any responsibility in educating you, I’m fairly certain they’ll forgo your monetary contributions in exchange for a confidentiality agreement.

A Clear and Present Danger….to Ellen DeGeneres

“If it is true that gay is not a choice then please explain one of your own hollywood stars Ann Hesh? Why did she flattly state that she was gay and then after doing a film with Harrison Ford she ’suddenly’ was not gay anymore?”

Um….she got confused when he invited her to take a ride in his DeHaviland Beaver?

Un-wedding favors

“My relationship with my wife would not change if our marriage was disovled by a vote. It would probably bring us closer. Don’t be so paumpus.”

I’m ashamed. It hadn’t even occurred to me to say “thank you” to the Prop 8 supporters for bringing me closer to my girlfriend. Clearly I need to readjust my moral caumpus.

Torcher Song Trilogy

“When you make it legal for gay marriage then you make it legal for gay people make it a right to show off their gay culture that would spread from store front and throughout school district that can confuse youth and childrens. Young people would get torcher by fellow student more if this is legalized. Are youth is not ready for this movement they haven’t been school yet this would opening up hatred. Young Gay people have alot anger inside their relation that only older gay people over 50 can get along better with each other. Marriage is not like get a tattoo it is more serious gay people.”

He’s right about the last bit. Undoing a tattoo requires hours of searing laser pain. Undoing 18,000 same-sex marriages requires listening to Ken Starr for 30 minutes. I know which one I’d pick.

My long gay holiday is over.

Dear friends of FF: I must apologize for taking a somewhat longer than intended sabbatical from blogging. The campaign and its aftermath were draining enough that when the new year rolled around, I found it more satisfying and healing to ignore the online bigots than to mock them. In honor of the arguments before the California Supreme Court, though, and the corresponding resurgence of ungrammatical vitriol on the intertubes, I think it’s time to dust off the snark and get back to the business of hoisting homophobes on their own petards. Shall we?

By the way, I’m heartened by those of you who have written or commented to ask where FF has been. And I feel it’s somehow important to mention that at least a handful of new readers have been led here by Google keyword searches, the most recent of which were “dog unity candle,” “what if the titanic hadn’t of sunk?”, and “sexo bondiage.” Ah, it’s good to be back.