I hope she kept the receipt

October 31, 2008

“god i hate the ‘no on 8 people’
Heck i hate all democrats.
I have a new chinese wife and she says you are prejudiced.
I reply, I am not prejudiced, i am hateful.”

This touching vignette has been brought to you by The Sanctity of Traditional Marriage.

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“Today my eleven year old twin grand children were at my home and seeing my Yes on 8 lawn sign wanted to know what it meant. After explaining that it simply means that I believe that marriage is between a man and a woman only, and I explained that others want to redefine it to include unions between two persons on the same sex. I asked them what would happen if everyone married someone of the same sex. They didn’t have to think long about their answer: ‘There would be no more people.’ Even children get this.”

So: If gay marriage remains legal, everyone in the world—heterosexuals, evangelicals, Jim Garlow—will instantly opt to go gay. Hmmm. Have you noticed that the most vociferous opponents of homosexuality are also the ones who seem to find it totally irresistible?

“I most be getting old I can still remember when gay meant you were happy and the rainbow reminded you of GOD and people like this made you upchuck your lunch and when you got married you became husband and wife not dumb and dumber.”

I can still remember when people used commas.

“[Another commenter] has always been nice even if she does NOT agree with my respononses and I have to give her that much credit… she does not jump me for believing different but will encouragement me to think outside the box but see I will not think outside the box because the box i think with is called the BIBLE and thats my road map in life and I rather believe the Bible over what others say because I believe its from God…so what I go to a gay bar ONCE A MONTH to minister to people to bring them out of perversion so sue me sheesh… You want to pervert my going there fine but God knows why I go there and you talk about us perverting you guys yet you sit here and pervert what I do…DOUBLE STANDARD…and only your sick sexual perversion would say I need to release sexual tension ..because you think perverted
Have a good day
going to eat lunch
bye”

I don’t really have anything to add to the rich smorgasbord of fatuousness that “Christian Female” has provided here. But I do want to take this opportunity to tell all of you that someday I’m going to open my own lesbian bar, and it’s going to be called The Chick Tract.

Have a good day.

Going to eat Halloween candy (of which I figure there should be extra, since the “no on 8” signs all over my house and yard should scare off lots of the parents in my neighborhood).

Bye.

“You are a moron. we voted against you rainbows and the idiot judges ignored our votes and let you marry temporarily.
Slavery was abolished by that Nancy boy Lincoln and now look at who might be President.
Summation look at what you rainbows have given us?”

I’ll tell you what we’re not giving you: Any more invitations to our Friends of Dorothy potlucks. Hmmph.

“Being married in past years meant that a man owned a woman, like chattel (still don’t know what chattel means, i assume it is something like cattle).
Ok, that example is a man + women definition of marriage, so how has the definition change?”

I’ll just be over here sobbing quietly that this man gets to vote on my civil rights.

“It is kind of like another company putting the Nike logo on its products, taking advantage of the goodwill that Nike has built up with years of hard work and millions in advertising. Someone might say to Nike: ‘It doesn’t hurt you if we use your name too-you can still use it any way you want!’ It doesn’t work that way. Nike would insist that its name no longer be used…and that the other company find its own name, and build up its own goodwill associated with that new name-not dilute the meaning and ideal that Nike has developed. ‘Marriage’ is no different.”

Nope, no different at all. “Marriage” is a registered trademark, and straight people spend millions of dollars a year on advertising, celebrity endorsements, and product placements to make sure that it outsells its numerous competitors in the legally-sanctioned love market. You’ve convinced me that we need to find another brand name to refer to our unions. Is “Le Coq Sportif” taken?

I realize that starting out with functions last week was probably a bit too advanced, so let’s back up and review the basics of right-wing fundamentalist math, shall we? First, we’ll count by twos:

“2, 4, 6, 8
what do we appreciate?
man-woman marriage!”

1, 3, 5, 7, queers will never get to heaven! Seems simple enough. Okay, let’s move on to addition:

“woman + woman = weirdness
man + man = weirdness
woman + man = sweet bliss”

I just knew some class clown was going to make a snappy comeback about this, and sure enough, one of you jokers had to go and post “actually, woman + woman = Pay Per View!” That’s not funny. Focus. We’ve got lots still to do.

“Johny’s homework: Jim has two apples, HIS HUSBAND eats one. How many are left? That’s the day I take my kids out of school…”

It’s two subtraction problems in one! “Johny’s class has fifty-seven students, thanks to No Child Left Behind. Johny’s daddy yanks him out of school so that Johny doesn’t find out that gay people consume produce. How many students are left?” [BONUS: “Johny’s name used to have two N’s. One went mysteriously missing. How many are left?”]

Feeling confident? Then let’s tackle something a little trickier.

“for those who know basic algebra, man (m) + woman (w) = marriage m does not equal w, therefore m + m does not equal marriage and w + w does not equal marriage”

And for those who don’t know algebra, M+M equals “melts in your mouth, not in your hand.” ….That’s not funny either! You kids need to get your minds out of the gutter! Honestly—how juvenile do you have to be to think that math has anything to do with sex?

Four-play

October 29, 2008

“Prop 8 is simply about 4 individual Judges who think that the Majority of Californians are STUPID tot make laws and govern themselves. What amazes me is that 4 individuals who sit on their high thrones and have no concept of reality have the ability to force the majority to live by their laws, (wasn’t there 4 in Hiliter’s forcefull form of Government and did they not control the masses with their laws?).”

I think that’s called Gowidinning the thread.

“Any american historian would laugh in you face if you were deny that this nation was founded upon christian values. Please read the declaration of independence and then pull your head out of your ass”

Sorry, can you fill me in on what it says? It was too dark to read in there.

(For the record—mentions of Jesus in the Declaration of Independence: 0. Mentions of “manly firmness”: 1.)

If you hear a great rumbling sound in the vicinity of downtown San Diego this weekend, it will be either the groaning stomachs of the thousands of faithful evangelicals who plan to gather at Qualcomm Stadium to fast and pray against the evil scourge of gay marriage, or the earthquake God sends to shake some sense into their undernourished brains. The arena altar call is in part the brainchild of Jim Garlow, the senior pastor of La Mesa’s Skyline Community Church, and one of the most creatively offensive bigots yet featured on this site.

Now, Skyline is a big, diverse place, with something for every Christian—for example, if you enjoy killing animals for Christ, you’ll want to sign up for Crossfire, the gun-lovers’ ministry—but its main purpose these days is Protecting Marriage. Let’s let Jim tell us a few of the reasons that this is so important:

“Satan is obsessed in destroying marriage, the coming together, fitting together of the two complimentary halves of humanity – male and female, since they are on earth, a mirror, an image, of what is to be fulfilled at the end of this age. And that is why we are in the battle we are in. It is not ultimately about earthly marriage, about our religious freedoms, our churches, or even about the practice of homosexuality as such. It is about the desire of Satan to decimate the picture of God’s ultimate design for the Cosmos – the Grand Wedding of His Son to the Prepared Bride.”

“When Lou [Engle, another professional idiot] was in Cairo, Egypt, this pastor said to him, ‘The eyes of the world are on California. We’re watching California and the vote on marriage. Because…if you fail to stop it, what will be unleashed across the world will be a spirit worse than radical Islam.'” [And in case you’re wondering, Jim Garlow is no fan of Islam.]

“[If] we lose, [pastors] go to jail. How soon I don’t know….If you don’t care about this campaign, don’t want to get involved, you can go to jail and start a wonderful prison ministry. But if you want religious freedom, we’re going to have to win this thing.”

Okay, Jim, we hear you: The Axis of Homosexuality is 1) responsible for Satan’s habitual wedding-crashing, 2) worse than people who fly airplanes into buildings, and 3) destined to crowd our prisons with conscientious clergy who refuse to elevate committed adult relationships to the Godly status of paintball.

Just one request, Jim—if you dislike the gays so much, would you please give back their hair?

“Hey donut bumping may not create a babby but turkey basteing will and has! So lesbos can & have made babbies. why shouldn’t these 2 women that created the babby ( say the egg donor isn’t the one carrying the bun in the oven) be in a 2 person legally recognized nuclear family? Heck I’d not even object to a 3 person marriage with the sperm donor, egg donor & womb donor And just wait with technology in another 50 years I bet a man will carry a babby untill a ceasarian section is performed.”

Donuts and turkey and buns, oh my! Let this serve as a reminder never to attempt sarcasm on an empty stomach and an empty brain.

“WHAT gives them the right,to RE-WRITE the marriage laws??? Enough already live your life leave other people alone. What next everyone on the bandwagon for more equal rights,paligamony etc.etc!!! Once AGAIN voting YES on 8,GOD has the last word!!!”

A word to the wise: If you’re going to follow the slippery slope all the way to polygamy, don’t get divorced, because the paligamony really adds up.

No phycho left behind

October 28, 2008

“Your not giving me a thrill at all. Sorry to burst your bubble. Keep dreaming phycho. I am straight as straight can be. You only wish I was loser! Get a life.”

If that fifth sentence rings a bell, it’s because we’ve met this gentleman before. I’m afraid his literacy quest isn’t progressing quite as quickly as we’d hoped, as these other excerpts demonstrate:

“Shows the level of intelegence when so low life immoral people want something in palce that shouldn’t be!”

“I am not homophobic. You on the other hand are the ignorant one whn you claim your normal! Hello earth to whatever you are (male female) you are not normal in a biological way. And yes it is a life style that you choose! It’s like a guy or girl who choose to sleep with whom ever. It is a life style they chose! You get the point now?”

“In the last days evil will flourish in the masses and try and make people who are followers of Christ look foolish like your doing. And thats an extreme loose paraphrase.”

Oh, you poor dear. No wonder you’re so worried. Rest easy—you don’t look foolish because the end times are nigh; you look foolish because you’re a fool, and you’re spending too much time posting on websites and not enough time studying. Back to your books!

“Down with Liberal codependency! Yes on 8! I wish Jesus would bring Reagan back from the dead.”

Can’t he do it for himself?

Could it be…..SATAN?

October 28, 2008

“Now the bible doesn’t mention america anywhere in the bible why? Could it be because we destroyed ourselves for accepting perversion in many areas of life? Could it be that financially we are bankrupt thanks to government spending? But 1 thing for certian is this: the anti christ will rise and be widely accepted around the world! Hmmm Nobama is widely accepted as a presedential canidate than any other in history! Now if this is true, this is just a thought for I do not know when or who.”

<Chris Farley Show voice>

Remember when the Church Lady was literate? And internally logical? And, uh, fictional?

That was cool.

</Chris Farley Show voice>

Hey!

October 27, 2008

If you’re reading this blog and thinking anything other than “Gee, the indented, boldfaced stuff makes a lot of sense!”, would you please please please click over to No on Prop 8 and make a donation?

You don’t have to be rich (there’s a five-dollar minimum). You don’t have to live in California. You just have to give a damn.

Thanks.

“If not halted the schools will soon be overrun by this agenda. It will be taught that many of our presidents were gay. That many of our scientists and great leaders were homosexual. Our children’s fairy tales will be re-written. They will be fairy tales for sure. Snow White will be a lesbian. The 7 dwarfs will all be gay. Cinderella will be a transvestite while Prince Charming will be a Transsexual. They will demand a national holiday not unlike Martin Luther King Jr. Day. LGBT rights Day it will be called. To us it will mean Long Gone Basic Traditions and goodbye America.”

Next thing you know, they’ll want to teach our kids that dinosaurs co-existed with humans, and that the only way to prevent pregnancy and a slow descent into whoredom is never, ever to have filthy, filthy sex outside the bonds of Godly heterosexual matrimony. Hey, at least Drag Cinderella could reasonably be expected to shed some light on that slipper slope we were wondering about.

“A word to the uniformed: you cannot use the word omohay- exualsay in a post.”

Thanks for the tip! Fortunately, we’ve learned plenty of synonyms over the years.

Sincerely,
The Village People

Terrorist fist bump to Atalanta for this one.

Lego my girlfriend

October 26, 2008

“I saw two young ladies at Legoland going at it.”

They stood out, because they were the only ones in the park without properly interlocking parts.