We can share Big Bear

October 22, 2008

“The homophobic, bigoted populace of this country will never give LGBT the civil rights they are entitled to. Therefore in the interest of fairness I propose this: Under eminent domain legislation the United States of America purchases San Bernardino County in Ca, ( the largest county in the US) and makes it a sovereign country. We owe the LGBT at least that much for all the years of opression we have put them through The state will be called Queersland and the capital will be named Gayville. It will be composed of 3 cities named respectively; Lesbiantown, Transgender Village, and Bisexual Woods. LGBT types can come from all over the world to this new land from far and wide to a place that is exclusively their’s. In exchange for this generosity from America only a few conditions are attached. Any and all laws that have elevated this community are now null and void. No domestic partnerships, no same-sex marriage, no ‘don’t ask, don’t tell concerning military enlistment or behavior in the armed services. No gay foster parents or gay adoptions. No gay parades or gay pride weeks. No gay churches, No gay TV or movies. no gay clubs. To keep it brief no gay nothing. All are welcome to stay in the US if they choose and to visit at their leisure.”

Although “Queersland” represents an unusual level of cleverness for a fundy, I’m not sure this is really in the best interests of our nation, and I’d like to propose a counter-offer. I suggest that the LGBTs stay put, and that scenic San Bernardino County be designated for the exclusive use of the right-wing fundamentalists. The capital will be called Jesus Junction, and surrounding cities will include Christucky, Tel Evangelist, and Ned Flandersville. In return, there will be a few changes made in America. No tax-exempt megachurches. No faith-based initiatives. No Liberty University or Trinity Broadcasting Network. No purity balls, no Creation Museums, no ex-gay ministries. No Left Behind books, no “Not of This World” bumper stickers, and for God’s sake, no Kirk Cameron movies.

It’d be sad to lose Joshua Tree, but I think it’s a good trade. Feel free to propose additional terms of the transaction in comments.

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6 Responses to “We can share Big Bear”

  1. Pizza Diavola said

    San Bernardino County?! I would like some prime oceanfront real estate for Queersland, thank you very much. I nominate San Francisco – imagine SF without Castro or the Haight!

  2. Sarah said

    Oh, this man has it tragically backwards. Gay kids spend their whole childhood trying to get out of San Bernadino. It’s like the Nebraska of California.

  3. fearlessleader said

    I know, right? I didn’t want to offend anyone who might be reading from Fontana or Rancho Cucamonga, but if I’m cashing in all my civil liberties, I want something NICE. And preferably with a major-league baseball franchise.

  4. Atalanta said

    A humble suggestion from the Petty Payback Department: Can we arrange for “Jesus, Take the Wheel” to be loudspeaker broadcast on continuous replay throughout this (soundproofed) Newtopia? Pleeeeease?

  5. lalle said

    you had me at christucky.

  6. ol cranky said

    I’m partial to Jesus Junction myself but think it ought to remain landlocked. Let’s give them Kansas, Oklahoma and Arkansa

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