“For me, this is not about the right or wrong about homsexuality, it is about holding on to values in this country. Let’s face it, everyday, the lessons we try to teach our kids are condemened by people with other agendas. Even simple fun things like halloween are no longer allowed in our schools because someone decided it MIGHT offen someone else. We can no longer safely say Merry Christmas for the same reasons.”

In the spirit of the holiday, I’m not going to point out that it wasn’t the “homsexuals” who put the kibosh on Halloween, as anyone who’s ever ventured anywhere near West Hollywood on October 31 can attest. I’m simply going to give thanks that the gays haven’t yet managed to ruin Thanksgiving, and wish you a happy holiday spent among fair-minded family and friends!

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How about now?

November 26, 2008

“Marriage started as a sacramental union for a man and a woman who are committed to each other and to start a family BECAUSE THEIR PUZZLE PIECES FIT!!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!! You can’t mash potatoes and call it applesause which is what the gays are trying to do with marriage!

Again, mashed potatoes don’t make applesauce just because a group of people want to call it applesauce!

…still not applesauce.”

As a vegetarian, I don’t say this lightly, but I think we’ve found one turkey who doesn’t deserve a pardon.

Their, their

November 25, 2008

“Do like men who talk like women, do you like the fact that soccer moms are being replaced by soccer Jonnies. fondeling your children, do you like predators looking at your little boys as there future lovers. Get real there was a reason why homosexuals stayed in the closet so long . they belong there. If the homosexuals want an agreement like marraige let them make up there own contracts and not call it marraige. they call each other ‘OTHER’ and significant other why not call there marraiges other than marraige.”

Let the record show that we have no objection to allowing the word “marraige” to remain the exclusive property of heterosexuals.

God, the divine disser

November 25, 2008

“Let me tell you something. I don’t agree that homosexuals are less than OR second rate. God Himself is no respecter of persons. However…HOMOSEXUALS ARE DIFFERENT!!! If I died my hair Sunfire Red and painted my face Money Green, I have just done something outside of societal norms. If people point, laugh, stare…who started it? Me.”

On the other hand, if they point and stare and stuff dollar bills in his pants, all he’ll need is a catchy drag name to be on his way. “Sunfire Money” is a bit clunky, so I came up with some related options to get him started:

A) Dawn Dough
B) Stellar Wad
C) Aurora Tender
D) Cockcrow Cash

Feel free to add your ideas in comments.

“I have no doubt that those who are truly gay are born that way; but so are those who have, for example, a disfiguring facial birthmark. If such a person were to seek the services of a prostitute, would that be OK in California? No, it’s illegal because society has determined it’s detrimental. You may not like that analogy, but it’s more apt than comparing homosexuality to race.”

Society has determined that facially flawless johns are A-OK.

They keep writing ’em, so I’ll keep posting ’em.

Comparing gays to
blacks is just like comparing
apples and brake drums.

put the same equal
rights into civil unions
like Marriage doesnt

Like the Shakers, gays
are self eliminating.
My nephew is gay.

Where does it end? Will
lesbians want to change their
sex status to male?

Gays have no right to
change what has been voted on.
God dont make mistakes.

The m0+herf__king
instructor is in: me. Class
has begun, dipsh1+s.

No I-do’s for youse.
Anyway youse look at it,
youse lose. No I-do’s.

Tanka. Tanka very much.

The twin paradox

November 22, 2008

“Ah, the boldness with which a tenured professor can blasheme. The problem with The Marquis de Sade and Jeffrey Dahmer is that they’re both gemini; the gemini mind more easily goes haywire at matters of sex. The gemini mind cannot stop moving, yet fixates on sex. Gemini is not meant to fixate. So you get psycho sex. And profesors everywhere think de Sade is just the greatest, when that’s like approving of J Dahmer’s acts. Why don’t you people know about the controversies that I’m babbling about? Because I work more hours than you all, for one.”

Here’s a bit more zodiac zaniness from the same guy who gave us this beauty. I did a little research to ascertain whether all Geminis are, in fact, twisted psychopaths, and discovered that other famous people born under the sign of the twins include Queen Victoria, Henry Kissinger, Norman Vincent Peale, Pat Boone, Kenny G, Barry Manilow, George and Barbara Bush, and Brigham Young. So….I guess that’s inconclusive.

“speak of a complete loser and failure – take obama flush him down with the gays and lesbians …. same sex marriage is NEVER going to happen …. why cant you peeps just let it go …. stop with trying to make sense of what is as foreign as obama in the white house …. never going to happen ….”

This was posted before the election, and I’m including it here because 1) I figure we need at least one thing to gloat over, and 2) I like our odds, now that same-sex marriage has made his “never gonna happen” list. Keep the faith, peeps!

“When I get hungry, the instinct is there so that I will go out and find nourishment to keep my body alive. But if I want to do things with food that food was not meant to be used like, it is a perversion of my instinct. I will gain no nutrition or health from smearing mayonaise and kaopectate all over my body. And it’s icky. Four percent of people may think it’s just dandy, but it will never be the right way to eat.”

I think we may have just stumbled upon some important information about right-wing fundamentalist bigots: They think Kaopectate is food. Y’all, this could go a long way toward explaining why they’re so uptight.

Well, she is a Pisces

November 21, 2008

“Darwin is a f__k, Carl Sagan is a stupid scorpio f__k. Yeah, we came from the primordial soup. Have you ever seen Shannon Tweed’s breasts, you f__king nurds? Does she look like she came from the primordial motherf__king soup?”

Like Atalanta (who found this gem), I had never heard of Shannon Tweed. Now I’m enlightened to the fact that she was Playboy’s November 1981 Playmate of the Month, and has since had a successful career as a leading lady of “mainstream erotica.” I cannot speak to her evolutionary origins, but considering that she’s already starred in such classic features as Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, is it really so hard to imagine her headlining a film called She Came from the Primordial Motherf__king Soup?

“I also wanted to ask why you think we hate gays. Just because we believe they should not marry doesn’t meant we hate them. If you take something away from your child that’s not theirs do you hate them because of it? No, its just not theirs and they should have it, simple as that no emotions are attached to the action. Now the child may hate YOU for it but can you blame them they are only children. This is the same case.”

We don’t hate you—we just think of you as undisciplined four-year-olds who require strict control and supervision by the government! ….Of course, these are the same people who grow enraged at the very notion of a “nanny state,” but don’t point out their inconsistency to them, or you’ll find yourself on the Naughty Chair.

“I love my dog, my car, my children, and my jaw line. Because love is the bases for marriage then I should be able to marry all those items. In fact, I can recieve dental benefits because I am in love with my teeth and we are wed in California. I can wait till i get rectile benefits for my colonoscopy every week to diminish testing HIV positive: the disease of homosexuality.”

Can somebody call Shonda Rimes? Because I can see this as a terrific storyline for a Very Special Episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Man arrives at hospital with teeth and wedding ring hopelessly lodged in own genitalia; Izzie falls in love with him and steals another patient’s dentures to keep him alive and chewing; heartfelt pop music plays; Meredith realizes that her mother always loved her own jawline more than she loved her daughter; and many, many jokes are made about “rectile dysfunction.” Seriously.

“the parts don’t fit! How romantic is that? Sad….”

And everybody knows that “romance” means “a steady diet of missionary-position penetration, the way God intended”!

“Prop 8 did/do is legalize discrimination against a class of persons
huh?
how does it discriminate agaisnt one class of people when the law applies to everyone?
if it discriminates against one class, name the ‘class’ of people that can marry the same sex?????”

You know which class is feeling especially marginalized and ignored right now? English class.

“Gays and Lesbians are no different than those who suffers from bi-polar disorders, depressions, and mental illnesses. Anything off tangent to the NORM of GOD is ABNORMAL. They need Psychological Counselling, yes we have to acknowledge that they EXIST and they don’t have to HIDE these illnesses in the closet or in their sleeves, but it has to be recognized so that you can get some help, HELP OK? but not TO GET MARRIED to your CO-MENTALLY OFF SAME SEX INDIVIDUAL. You have to be COUNSELLED. You need to REALIZE that YOU ARE SICK and NEEDS SOME COUNSELLING and that YOU WILL GET BETTER IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD.”

O my co-mentally off same sex individual is like a red, red rose
That’s newly sprung in June;
O my co-mentally off same sex individual is like the melody
That’s sweetly sung in tune….

Ask him about his Speed Stick

November 19, 2008

“You hate the fact you dont have the same rights as US thats what all your crying is about you moron or should I say oxymoron [ok-si-mawr-on,-mohr-] a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, Just incase you dont understand our language!!!! Heterosexuals can do whatever they want any which way they want because it’s between a REAL MAN and a REAL WOMAN. Heterosexuals in a manogomus relationship can have anal sex if the chose to! Let me let you in on a ‘SECRET’Miss It’s strong enough for a Man but it’s made for a WOMAN….DONT HATE”

I know this isn’t technically an oxymoron, but this douchebag has officially given me that not-so-fresh feeling.

When a gay friend’s house was threatened by one of the recent wildfires, I said to him, “How long do you suppose it will be before the gays get blamed for this?” Answer: Not long at all, thanks to James Hartline, one of the crankiest ex-homos you’ll ever meet. James, who lives in San Diego, spends a lot of time—a lot of time—at pride parades and other gay gatherings, occasionally taking time out to browse the latest porno magazines, all for the sake of research, naturally. Not surprisingly, James had plenty to say about the fires raging in California, so I’ve picked out a few highlights (you can Google him if you want to read the whole thing; he gets no link-lovin’ from me):

“Each time homosexual activists attempt to force their agenda on California, there have been raging, massive, incinerating fires sweeping across the California landscape.”

In other news, incinerating wildfires sweep across the landscape each time Californians approve Constitutional amendments stripping gays and lesbians of their civil rights.

“You see, the problem is this: God has plans for California in the near days ahead. Thus, these attempts to force an ungodly tyranny on this state are being met blow with blow by God. God is saying, ‘California shall be a refuge for America when the catastrophes come. California belongs to Me, not the advocates of sexual anarchy.'”

James, since you and God are BFFs, do you think you could tell him that….uh, this is awkward….he’s burning the wrong stuff? He obviously meant to flame-broil West Hollywood and San Francisco, but his aim is about as accurate as a Fox News report.

“The more that homosexual activists press their battle in California, the more there will be great calamaties in this state. Go ahead, challenge the Lord Thy God in this season. For I have heard the voice of the Lord say, ‘This state belongs to God! It is not the land of degradation and immorality anymore. I shall have My way, for this land, I created. And this land is Mine!’ thus saith the Lord.”

Hmm. I was led to believe by no less an authority than Woody Guthrie that this land was your land, and this land was my land. But never mind that; I’m relieved, though a little surprised, to learn that if we stop protesting, California will see all its disasters come to an end, including fires, earthquakes, and Barry Zito’s tenure as a Giant.

“How low will we go? Why won’t they listen? Why won’t they stop their madness? The Bible says that in the last days, the nations will rebel against God until He can’t take it anymore. Was it all worth it? Were the few years of sexual immorality worth the eternal destruction and earthly chaos it brought? How low will we go?”

Apparently, quite low.

By the way, when a commenter on Hartline’s blog suggested that God might not be entirely responsible for these events, James responded swiftly and scornfully:

“…the idea that these fires are not God’s judgment or His doings because the fires were started by arsonists or overcrowding or drought, is just plain stupid. God uses many factors at His disposal to bring forth His will and His purposes.”

Did you catch that? Arsonists can’t be held responsible for their actions, but gay people make the choice to be wicked! In other words, if you’re a firestarter, you’re doing God’s work, but if you’re a flamer, you’re going to hell. Right, James? ….James? Oh, I guess he already left for the Boom Boom Room.

Postscript: My gay friends’ house, unlike most of the homes around it, was spared. And if you’d like to do something for the wildfire victims besides channeling a vengeful God to crow over their misfortune, click here to learn how to help.

“God did not create Satan Moran, Satan became what he was because he chose to deceive God”

I’ve been sitting here for five minutes trying to work out a joke about a “four-leaf cloven hoof,” but it’s just not happening, so I’m going to go have a drink instead. What? You have a problem with that? You want to fight?

Ye gads

November 18, 2008

“it is a dirty nasty sin for a man to lay with man or woman to lay with woman.its 1 of the 7 deadly sins.and all the gripen and protesting at the mall will not chage the fact.its no differant than a man that wants 7 wives.ware do you get off saying the will f the people took your civil rights away.thats garbage.the is strict on marriage.next you will have people wanting to marry there dog,cats birds or even cars.ware does it stop or end.they will be saying garbage like you about its the cicil right.gad made adam and eve.not adam&steve.”

If the stylistic nuances and flourishes of this passage seem familiar, it’s because we’ve met “big daddy” before. He’s still extremely concerned—though not in this particular excerpt—with homosexuality being “shoved down are throtes” and taught in schools. I ask you this: Does a comment like this give you reason to believe that anything at all is taught in schools anymore?

“The idea that marriage is anything other than one man plus one woman never entered anyone’s mind until recent years. It was a given, like water is defined as the combination of hydrogen and oxygen — two different elements that become something ‘more’ when combined properly. You can try combining other elements, you might get something liquid, but it won’t be water. Not a difficult concept to grasp.”

And if we start messing with time-honored scientific definitions, where will it end? Next thing you know, we’ll have oxygen atoms wanting to bond with two hydrogen atoms at once and call themselves water.