“Yo Green on Thursday prissy pants folks. Do something useful with your waste of time lives… Instead of acting like a bunch of Jackanapes moaning and flaunting your gauche ways and weird ASH’d lackof life styles, crying about not being able to marry a same messed up bundle of sticks like yourself , go out and buy the new contemptible EID Mubarak stamp and put em where the sun don’t supposed to shine. Make a pent up gerbil happy. Tell some one Merry Christmas ya schmucks ya.”

Uh, all right, sir. I don’t want any trouble. Merry Christmas*, everybody! I’m headed out of town for the week, but I’ll see you in 2009.

* And happy Hanukkah, Solstice, Eid, Kwanzaa, Festivus, and/or entirely secular day off work, too—just don’t tell this guy I said so, okay? He scares me a little.

“Well, since Christmas is celebrated as a national holiday don’t you think that [singing Christmas songs in public schools] would be appropriate? Most Americans would! I do! Since He is the reason for this season, it only makes sense, doesn’t it? Do people sing happy birthday to someone else during your birthday celebration? Probably not! Jesus is non~religious!! He was a person, even though He was God! Singing songs about His birth is not a religious event.”

This is all so confusing. If Jesus is going to have a secret secular identity, then he also needs some sort of superhero-style catch-phrase, so that we can tell when he’s religious and when he’s not. “Wonderful Counselor Powers, Activate!”? “JESUS SMASH”? “O Holy Night, Christman!”?

Trick or tree!

December 23, 2008

“I feel that with the law permitting marriage to any gender to any gender, this will send the message that traditional structure in society is forever altered.. in the same way that it would be made mandatory to display a giant jack-o-latern next to your Christmas tree.”

[Sing to the tune of “The Holly and the Ivy“]

Oh, the pumpkin and the pine tree, when they are side by side,
Cause this poor fundy’s head to spin as her holidays collide.
Oh, the rising of the hackles and the running of the mouth
Would be funny if our civil rights weren’t quickly heading south.

“Where do you draw the line on this? Some things must remain traditional. Man and woman. Thats as traditional as it gets. To me it would be like combining Christmas and Easter into one holiday. Wouldnt work would it. Why not draw a mustache on the Mona Lisa and destroy a work of art. Getting the picture?”

Marcel Duchamp is kicking himself right now for never having thought to draw bunny ears on Santa.

We really dodged a bullet

December 23, 2008

“Humans now stand a chance of surviving.You see it takes a MAN and a WOMAN to keep producing PEOPLE.”

I’m beginning to believe that the “No on 8” campaign may have over-thought its strategy. Maybe “Unfair and wrong” was too advanced. Maybe we simply should have created mailers that said “Attention: The human race is in no danger of extinction, and the heterosexuals of California will not instantly turn gay if Proposition 8 is defeated. Relaaax.”

“I tried to watch the movie Brokeback Mountain last night. It seemed like a good movie with a good story until the intimate parts between two men. It was so revolting, I had to change the TV channel. My opinion…it would have been a much better film if it had just been about two buddies, without all the gross gay stuff (kissing, etc). The same goes for my views on gay marriage, and that’s why I voted for Prop 8.”

So…..you’d be fine with same-sex marriage if only the law didn’t require you to watch streaming video from our bedrooms?

This is getting Erie

December 22, 2008

“Number of times, gays approached me for their canal desire despite of telling them I’m not gay. They didn’t want to hear no.”

So we misinterpreted your “Ask Me About My Love Canal” T-shirt. So Suez.

(A tip of the Panama hat to Atalanta for this one.)

“Respect the democratic principles of this country or move to Iceland. See you at the polls.(no pun).”

That’s right, haters. Either learn to love the U.S. of A., or pack your ungrateful, unpatriotic self off to a democratic country with a 99% literacy rate, a 1% unemployment rate, a #1 ranking in the worldwide Human Development Index, and nationwide legislation ensuring full equality for gays and lesbians! …..Hey, you forgot your mittens.

“Why are so against God?
Have been by the US Supreme Court building lately?
I do believe that Moses is there hold the ten commandments, and he is surrounded by who?
God has been a part of the USA from the very beginning, or do you not understand history?
What is your beef now?”

Illiteracy my beef. Have been English class lately? Why are so against second-person pronouns? By the way, I do believe Moses surrounded by Confucius, Mohammed, and other non-Biblical heavies on Supreme Court building, but not allow facts interfere compelling argument.

Kilgon, take me away

December 19, 2008

“If it wasn’t obvious before, or if you’ve been living in the Kilgon Empire the last year, the passions on both side of this issue tend to run a bit highand, for some, out of control at times. Yes on 8.”

Geekdom: FAIL.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

December 19, 2008

Most of the time, the abuses foisted upon the English language by the contributors to this site go unchecked by their authors. Every now and then, though, a writer catches and corrects his or her own error, and since we all make mistakes from time to time, it’s only fair that I give credit for edits. Witness this commenter’s original post:

“all citizens have this funamental right. Marriage is defined as a man and a woman. And any man can mary any woman. And any woman can mary every man.”

Well! That’s clearly not right. Fortunately, the commenter realized this, and issued a quick correction:

“I mean ‘any oman can mary any man’ man before you nit pick on the last comment those that are anto prop 8”

Gotcha.

Aw, that’s sweet

December 19, 2008

“Homosexuality is a condition that can be treated. There is no sexual behavior that we are born with. Based on life expectancy it is more unhealthy than smoking cigarettes and the government should not be endorsing unhealthy behavior. Hopefully proposition 8 is just the beginning and we will soon have proposition prohibiting the adoption of children by homosexuals. To all homosexuals reading this do not take it as rejection, to the contrary take at as someone who cares enough to tell you the truth, though political correctness tries to oppress it there is help out there.”

Thanks, man. You know, I care enough to tell you the truth about yourself, too, but this is a family blog.

“Utah dowes not have the complete right to be in front of those that think sodomy is wrong, Tennessee has just as good and worthy christians. This whole land we live in has turned from Christ. Sodomy in the forfront of popularity, abortion being the murderous way for sexual convinience and the mere thought of sex out of wedlock is adultry and fornication. All these are Christian terms. Why get so upset at our moral code, it is you that cannot adhere to it. Sodomy is like a duck, if it quacks likes a duck and walks like a duck and looks like a duck – well get the messgae.”

I think we need another reading guide. Please enjoy the following discussion questions with your book circle:

1) The author is hurt that Utah gets all the attention when Tennessee is, in his opinion, every bit as bigoted. Do you agree with this assessment? Can you think of other states that might feel similarly neglected?

2) The author makes the intriguing claim that “sodomy,” “abortion,” “adultry,” and “fornication” are all “Christian terms.” What do you suppose he means by this? What other terms would you add to his list?

3) Do you agree that “sodomy is like a duck”? Isn’t sodomy actually more like a goose?

4) As an extra activity, draw a picture of how you think a “messgae” might look! Would rumpled flannel and poorly gelled hair be involved?

“It is hardly YOU’RE place to tell anyone what their children learn in school. Who the hell do you think you are?”

No. I can’t. It’s too easy.

“I have children that may be taught in school that same gender sex is natural. Same gender sex does not create children. ‘Then where do babies come from for this family’? I think that this will cause confusion for kids. If I were a martian from space placed on earth to observe this subject and how it is affecting humans, I would be one seriously confused alien. I would simply then go by the planets natural order of things and know that to be how the human race continues.”

Yes, indeed. If anybody’s going to be scandalized by the notion of probing someone’s nether regions for non-procreative purposes, it’s going to be the Martians.

“YOU PEOPLE ARE RETARDED JUST AS THE GAYS. BEING GAY IS A DISPICKABLE STATE OF MIND. AND HAROLD I AGREE CHILDREN NEED A MOTHER AND FATHER NOT A MAMA AND BUTCH AND FAIRY AND SAM”

This commenter’s concluding phrase reminds me of nothing so much as the e.e. cummings poem “maggie and milly and molly and may,” except with the Caps Lock key emphatically employed, because real, non-dispickable men (including Harold) don’t go lower-case.

“What I am trying to educate you about is the definition of marriage, which means the union of a man and a woman. You and your crew want he word ‘marriage’ to become universal for all relationships which would dilute its meaning. There are plenty of ways to fix your angst but your side is bent on trashing a word that means more to most the people in this nation than you can comprehend. I have suggested new words such as, Gayknot, samesexiage, and homoarriage but there are many new words that can be used. How about Knotiage, Bondiage, Queeriage, Lesbianiage, or ball and chainiage.”

Folks, it’s time for our first ever Fundamentally Flawed Reader Challenge! “Donkey,” above, has offered us a rich array of new vocabulary to apply to our unions—and I’ve been reading Donkey’s work for long enough now to know that 1) he’s entirely serious, and 2) he could have used his love of synonyms to come up with a username that would have been simultaneously very similar to and far more appropriate than the one he selected.

Anyway, since the homophobes are dead-set against letting us share the precious word “marriage,” to which they apparently own the copyright, I’d invite you to come up with an alternative term to add to Donkey’s list. (Extra credit if it sounds totally revolting and conjures the image of blood gushing from an internal wound, like “homoarriage”!) Have fun!

“For decades now, well-organized, well-funded and highly influential ‘gay’ political pressure groups have, with impertinence, hijacked the language of the authentic civil rights movement. In what amounts to a sort of soft racism, self-styled ‘queers’ have disingenuously and ignobly hitched their lil’ lavender wagons to a movement which, by contrast, is built upon the genuine and noble precepts of racial equality and humanitarian justice.”

Oh, honey, our wagon isn’t half as purple as your prose. The only language you’ve “hijacked” seems to be that of Edward Bulwer-Lytton.

“I’m glad this story is finaly in print so I can comment. 1- People of the other type of Sex- Don’t try to change school studys as they are 2- only man & wife can comsomate a marriage, with a church 3- they (Others) can only be married by the Law (Justic of the peace if you will) no type of law to make a church as far as paper work goes to legalies your union will be legal.For any court, DNA required.”

So, you’ve been working on this comment for….how long, exactly?

Kith my ath

December 12, 2008

“lets call a spade a spade and not try to pretend this is about the ability to use the phrase ‘marriage’. It’s about acceptance IE the parades where they act as foolish as possible to flant their choices in life. P.S. If gay people are born the way they are, why is it that the lisp or flamboyant behavior come later? Are they all born flamboyant with a lisp that they repress until they come out and make a DECISION to live that lifestyle?”

Yes. We were also born knowing that that outfit you’re wearing is hideous, but we were too polite to say so until just now.