“In nature, many things can be modeled by functions. In order for things to work, there has to be an input, and an output. Take for example the simple function f(x)= x^2. Many here know that this is the simple conic section, the parabola. If if we input 4, we have an output of 16. Now we go to exponential functions. Populations, grow exponentially. It works because there is an input. The input is the stuff that happens in order to reproduce. The output is a baby. You have to be able to put that ‘input’ into that ‘FUNction’ in order to have an output, the baby.”

[Taps furiously on calculator with furrowed brow….]

Y’all, his numbers check out. This changes everything. What do we do now? (I mean, besides trying to calculate the creepiness coefficient that results when he uses this strategy on women in bars, which I’m 98.36% confident he does.)