“Here’s one to chew on…Whoa to those who call good evil and evil good.”

Ah, yes, the immortal words of Thomas Equinas.

Atalanta gets the carrot for this one.

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“TO ALLOW SAME SEX MARRIAGE HERE IN CALIFORNIA OPENS THE DOOR FOR SODAM AND GOMMORRA LIFESTYLES, AND WE ALL KNOW HOW THAT STORY ENDED..IN THE BIBLE STORY, GUY LIVING THERE IN SODAM TOLD THE PREVERTS TO TAKE HIS DAUGHTER INSTEAD OF THE ANGEL…WE ARE CHOOSING TO PROTECT OUR CHILDREN…YES ON 8”

I’m Sodam tired of these people.

“homosexuals will not be satisfied until they get our childrens minds turning towards their homosexual lifestyle.We have turned everything on its head saying what is unatural as natural.Like the militant muslims who want a world run by the Islamic religion homosexuals main aim is the complete surrender of the heterosexual way of life to the world gay liberation front”

First, the Gay Liberation Front broke into Focus on the Family’s laboratories under cover of darkness and released dozens of gays from their cages, simultaneously destroying years of careful research and unleashing a swarm of helpless homosexuals into the wild. Then, we staged a hostile takeover of the straight folks’ commas and apostrophes. Who knows what we’ll do next?

How about now?

November 26, 2008

“Marriage started as a sacramental union for a man and a woman who are committed to each other and to start a family BECAUSE THEIR PUZZLE PIECES FIT!!! PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!! You can’t mash potatoes and call it applesause which is what the gays are trying to do with marriage!

Again, mashed potatoes don’t make applesauce just because a group of people want to call it applesauce!

…still not applesauce.”

As a vegetarian, I don’t say this lightly, but I think we’ve found one turkey who doesn’t deserve a pardon.

The twin paradox

November 22, 2008

“Ah, the boldness with which a tenured professor can blasheme. The problem with The Marquis de Sade and Jeffrey Dahmer is that they’re both gemini; the gemini mind more easily goes haywire at matters of sex. The gemini mind cannot stop moving, yet fixates on sex. Gemini is not meant to fixate. So you get psycho sex. And profesors everywhere think de Sade is just the greatest, when that’s like approving of J Dahmer’s acts. Why don’t you people know about the controversies that I’m babbling about? Because I work more hours than you all, for one.”

Here’s a bit more zodiac zaniness from the same guy who gave us this beauty. I did a little research to ascertain whether all Geminis are, in fact, twisted psychopaths, and discovered that other famous people born under the sign of the twins include Queen Victoria, Henry Kissinger, Norman Vincent Peale, Pat Boone, Kenny G, Barry Manilow, George and Barbara Bush, and Brigham Young. So….I guess that’s inconclusive.

“When I get hungry, the instinct is there so that I will go out and find nourishment to keep my body alive. But if I want to do things with food that food was not meant to be used like, it is a perversion of my instinct. I will gain no nutrition or health from smearing mayonaise and kaopectate all over my body. And it’s icky. Four percent of people may think it’s just dandy, but it will never be the right way to eat.”

I think we may have just stumbled upon some important information about right-wing fundamentalist bigots: They think Kaopectate is food. Y’all, this could go a long way toward explaining why they’re so uptight.

Well, she is a Pisces

November 21, 2008

“Darwin is a f__k, Carl Sagan is a stupid scorpio f__k. Yeah, we came from the primordial soup. Have you ever seen Shannon Tweed’s breasts, you f__king nurds? Does she look like she came from the primordial motherf__king soup?”

Like Atalanta (who found this gem), I had never heard of Shannon Tweed. Now I’m enlightened to the fact that she was Playboy’s November 1981 Playmate of the Month, and has since had a successful career as a leading lady of “mainstream erotica.” I cannot speak to her evolutionary origins, but considering that she’s already starred in such classic features as Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, is it really so hard to imagine her headlining a film called She Came from the Primordial Motherf__king Soup?

“Gays and Lesbians are no different than those who suffers from bi-polar disorders, depressions, and mental illnesses. Anything off tangent to the NORM of GOD is ABNORMAL. They need Psychological Counselling, yes we have to acknowledge that they EXIST and they don’t have to HIDE these illnesses in the closet or in their sleeves, but it has to be recognized so that you can get some help, HELP OK? but not TO GET MARRIED to your CO-MENTALLY OFF SAME SEX INDIVIDUAL. You have to be COUNSELLED. You need to REALIZE that YOU ARE SICK and NEEDS SOME COUNSELLING and that YOU WILL GET BETTER IF YOU BELIEVE IN GOD.”

O my co-mentally off same sex individual is like a red, red rose
That’s newly sprung in June;
O my co-mentally off same sex individual is like the melody
That’s sweetly sung in tune….

Ask him about his Speed Stick

November 19, 2008

“You hate the fact you dont have the same rights as US thats what all your crying is about you moron or should I say oxymoron [ok-si-mawr-on,-mohr-] a figure of speech by which a locution produces an incongruous, seemingly self-contradictory effect, Just incase you dont understand our language!!!! Heterosexuals can do whatever they want any which way they want because it’s between a REAL MAN and a REAL WOMAN. Heterosexuals in a manogomus relationship can have anal sex if the chose to! Let me let you in on a ‘SECRET’Miss It’s strong enough for a Man but it’s made for a WOMAN….DONT HATE”

I know this isn’t technically an oxymoron, but this douchebag has officially given me that not-so-fresh feeling.

“The idea that marriage is anything other than one man plus one woman never entered anyone’s mind until recent years. It was a given, like water is defined as the combination of hydrogen and oxygen — two different elements that become something ‘more’ when combined properly. You can try combining other elements, you might get something liquid, but it won’t be water. Not a difficult concept to grasp.”

And if we start messing with time-honored scientific definitions, where will it end? Next thing you know, we’ll have oxygen atoms wanting to bond with two hydrogen atoms at once and call themselves water.

Be fruity and multiply

November 14, 2008

“Listen here you fruitcake fairy…keep dreaming…alcohol and homosexuals are two different things?…now you’re reaching!! What is so appealing about two guys in love? It is un-natural and against Nature. Do people really want our kids subject to the fruitful nature of homosexuals?”

Wait just a cotton-picking minute. I have several objections to this comment.

1) First you hated us because we couldn’t be fruitful. Now you hate us because we’re too fruitful. Pick one, please; you’re upsetting my gay apple cart.

2) What kind of lousy fairy is the “fruitcake fairy”? If I’m going to be visited by a fairy, I want it to be the laundry fairy, or the chocolate-chip cookie fairy, or the civil rights fairy. Hmmph. Fruitcake.

3) Alcohol and homosexuality are two different things. One makes you a little dizzy, costs you money, gives you headaches, and goes great with tapas. The other…..oh, wait. Never mind.

Peace off, dude

November 12, 2008

“What God Has Join Together.Let No Man Separate. Ya’ For President Barack Obama. Thank You Jesus Christ. You Pead His Case For One Nation Under God. God Bless America.This Is The Day That The Lord Has Made. And I’am Going To Rejoice Over It.People Get With The Program .And accept what God has did.We all have to work together for the good of the land.No matter what color our skin are. Read your King James Bible. God wants Peace on Earth. Amen.Have a bless day. Peace Off.”

Jesus just called. He swears it wasn’t him who pead.

“I pray to God the silent, moral, Judeo-Christian majority will upset the gay apple cart.”

Shhh—if you’re very, very quiet, sometimes you can hear the Judeo-Christian majority.

What are you waiting for?

November 5, 2008

“WELCOME To 0BAma’s WORLD-‘Sodom and Gomorrah’
GO BLESS AMERICA…”

I’ll wait here until you’re back from blessing America.

….All right. In case you’re wondering, I don’t have any plans to pull the plug on Fundamentally Flawed anytime soon. Yes, I’m enormously disappointed and depressed about yesterday’s kick in the teeth (even as I’m rather cheerful about the prospect of life in “0BAma’s WORLD,” which, when written like this, practically begs to be followed by “Party time! Excellent!”). But though the bigots may take away my civil rights, they’ll never take away my petty, passive-aggressive blog. There will be many tears ahead on the road to Sodom and Gomorrah; there may as well be laughter too. Go bless the Internets!

Just call me Holly Hunter

November 2, 2008

“I can’t believe any reasoning person could think we should allow a mockery to be made of a holly institution such as mariage.”

I guess the War on Christmas is a little bigger than you thought, isn’t it? Uh-huh.

Nature finds a way

November 2, 2008

“No matter if you believe in evolution or God all things must reproduce to exist. If this were natural and nature or God intended people of the same sex to procreate, yet marry, than it would be reasonable to expect that they could do it on their own. Everywhere else in nature, at least one of the partners is able to change sex, including reproductive organs. Not in the case of humans, hmmm.”

I was going to dig out my old biology book and verify “WeDeserveBetter”‘s information, but that’s going to have to wait, because I’ve got an appointment this afternoon to have my dog spayed. And neutered.

“Rick you narrow minded one! Homosexuals began from pagan idol worship. Then they gave into their lusts Rick. Rick I would like to say something to you but I would have to ask for forgiveness after!Believe what you want out of [the Bible] to suit your own desires. You (you and your followers) love to twist it to fit what you want. You are saying it was wrong for heterols to take part, yet in same instance you calim it is ok for homosexuals to part take! That is a double standard. Try and reaon all you want it was addressed to both Rick. If you think your untouchable your wrong. Paul clearly warned against it. Wether gay or straight!
I am meerely spreading a warning of God’s judgement to come unless they change. That is LOVE. I do not want any to perish because of their sinful desires.
Am I so wrong at that?
Apperently to some yes!
Let me ask you this, If God doesn’t exist then why do alot of you get so offended by my posts?”

“Bill,” it starts with the spelling and it kind of snowballs from there. How long have you got?

“Any american historian would laugh in you face if you were deny that this nation was founded upon christian values. Please read the declaration of independence and then pull your head out of your ass”

Sorry, can you fill me in on what it says? It was too dark to read in there.

(For the record—mentions of Jesus in the Declaration of Independence: 0. Mentions of “manly firmness”: 1.)

No phycho left behind

October 28, 2008

“Your not giving me a thrill at all. Sorry to burst your bubble. Keep dreaming phycho. I am straight as straight can be. You only wish I was loser! Get a life.”

If that fifth sentence rings a bell, it’s because we’ve met this gentleman before. I’m afraid his literacy quest isn’t progressing quite as quickly as we’d hoped, as these other excerpts demonstrate:

“Shows the level of intelegence when so low life immoral people want something in palce that shouldn’t be!”

“I am not homophobic. You on the other hand are the ignorant one whn you claim your normal! Hello earth to whatever you are (male female) you are not normal in a biological way. And yes it is a life style that you choose! It’s like a guy or girl who choose to sleep with whom ever. It is a life style they chose! You get the point now?”

“In the last days evil will flourish in the masses and try and make people who are followers of Christ look foolish like your doing. And thats an extreme loose paraphrase.”

Oh, you poor dear. No wonder you’re so worried. Rest easy—you don’t look foolish because the end times are nigh; you look foolish because you’re a fool, and you’re spending too much time posting on websites and not enough time studying. Back to your books!

“Down with Liberal codependency! Yes on 8! I wish Jesus would bring Reagan back from the dead.”

Can’t he do it for himself?