“Two times they have lost and two times they have tried to sneak in by the back door this seams gay to me.”

Things that have gay seams: Hot pants, flannel shirts, and anything from the men’s section of Banana Republic.

Things that do not: Judicial appeals.

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“Here’s one to chew on…Whoa to those who call good evil and evil good.”

Ah, yes, the immortal words of Thomas Equinas.

Atalanta gets the carrot for this one.

Dear friends of FF: I must apologize for taking a somewhat longer than intended sabbatical from blogging. The campaign and its aftermath were draining enough that when the new year rolled around, I found it more satisfying and healing to ignore the online bigots than to mock them. In honor of the arguments before the California Supreme Court, though, and the corresponding resurgence of ungrammatical vitriol on the intertubes, I think it’s time to dust off the snark and get back to the business of hoisting homophobes on their own petards. Shall we?

By the way, I’m heartened by those of you who have written or commented to ask where FF has been. And I feel it’s somehow important to mention that at least a handful of new readers have been led here by Google keyword searches, the most recent of which were “dog unity candle,” “what if the titanic hadn’t of sunk?”, and “sexo bondiage.” Ah, it’s good to be back.

Non-ironic updates

December 9, 2008

Hello, dear readers! I’ve made a couple of additions to the site today:

  • At long last, I have the beginning of a blogroll (scroll to the bottom of the page). If you feel you should be on it, send me an e-mail at flawedfundamentally(at)gmail.com!
  • The number and quality of the neologisms generated by Fundamentally Flawed’s unwitting contributors (well, that and a well-placed post at Shakesville) has prompted me to create a glossary of some of the terms we’ve encountered. I hope you’ll find it enlightening!

They keep writing ’em, so I’ll keep posting ’em.

Comparing gays to
blacks is just like comparing
apples and brake drums.

put the same equal
rights into civil unions
like Marriage doesnt

Like the Shakers, gays
are self eliminating.
My nephew is gay.

Where does it end? Will
lesbians want to change their
sex status to male?

Gays have no right to
change what has been voted on.
God dont make mistakes.

The m0+herf__king
instructor is in: me. Class
has begun, dipsh1+s.

No I-do’s for youse.
Anyway youse look at it,
youse lose. No I-do’s.

Tanka. Tanka very much.

In times of national turmoil, we need the arts more than ever; thus I offer you a second installment of Proposition 8 haiku—or “gay-Bashoing,” as I like to think of them.

Proposition 8
did not ban Gay marriage but
banned same sex marriage.

SHOW ME WHERE BEING
GAY IS ANT A DECISION !!
It is what it is.

If I can’t marry
someone who’s in the same sex,
so should other’s can’t.

Without separate
but equal, womens college
sports would not exist.

this is a question
of Garriage, not civil rights.
Whether you like it.

I bet you are one
of those dudes with a chicks name.
Like Chris or something.

I realize that starting out with functions last week was probably a bit too advanced, so let’s back up and review the basics of right-wing fundamentalist math, shall we? First, we’ll count by twos:

“2, 4, 6, 8
what do we appreciate?
man-woman marriage!”

1, 3, 5, 7, queers will never get to heaven! Seems simple enough. Okay, let’s move on to addition:

“woman + woman = weirdness
man + man = weirdness
woman + man = sweet bliss”

I just knew some class clown was going to make a snappy comeback about this, and sure enough, one of you jokers had to go and post “actually, woman + woman = Pay Per View!” That’s not funny. Focus. We’ve got lots still to do.

“Johny’s homework: Jim has two apples, HIS HUSBAND eats one. How many are left? That’s the day I take my kids out of school…”

It’s two subtraction problems in one! “Johny’s class has fifty-seven students, thanks to No Child Left Behind. Johny’s daddy yanks him out of school so that Johny doesn’t find out that gay people consume produce. How many students are left?” [BONUS: “Johny’s name used to have two N’s. One went mysteriously missing. How many are left?”]

Feeling confident? Then let’s tackle something a little trickier.

“for those who know basic algebra, man (m) + woman (w) = marriage m does not equal w, therefore m + m does not equal marriage and w + w does not equal marriage”

And for those who don’t know algebra, M+M equals “melts in your mouth, not in your hand.” ….That’s not funny either! You kids need to get your minds out of the gutter! Honestly—how juvenile do you have to be to think that math has anything to do with sex?

“Hey donut bumping may not create a babby but turkey basteing will and has! So lesbos can & have made babbies. why shouldn’t these 2 women that created the babby ( say the egg donor isn’t the one carrying the bun in the oven) be in a 2 person legally recognized nuclear family? Heck I’d not even object to a 3 person marriage with the sperm donor, egg donor & womb donor And just wait with technology in another 50 years I bet a man will carry a babby untill a ceasarian section is performed.”

Donuts and turkey and buns, oh my! Let this serve as a reminder never to attempt sarcasm on an empty stomach and an empty brain.

Hey!

October 27, 2008

If you’re reading this blog and thinking anything other than “Gee, the indented, boldfaced stuff makes a lot of sense!”, would you please please please click over to No on Prop 8 and make a donation?

You don’t have to be rich (there’s a five-dollar minimum). You don’t have to live in California. You just have to give a damn.

Thanks.

Recently, Atalanta pointed out a lovely near-haiku in an otherwise unintelligible online comment from a Prop 8 supporter, and that got me wondering whether there were other poetic gems lurking in the collection of bigoted garbage clogging my computer. Answer: Emphatically yes! And—bonus—it turns out that creative fundy spelling sometimes creates haiku where no haiku would otherwise exist. See for yourself:

Now why is a school
teaching kids it’s ok to
be homsexual?

I will not accept
some Orwellian twisting of
the english langauge

God loves ALL of his
childern, but it doesn’t mean
he likes what they do.

And where would you be
without a mother and a
father…..you wouldn’t.

Satan tried to twist
the words of the Bilbe on Christ
and failed just like you

If I have multi-
ple personalities could
I marry myself?

‘Scuse me—I’m going to go rake patterns into my rock garden and meditate on that last one.

You’re so negative

October 23, 2008

“I still don’t get the argument that if you’re FOR Prop 8 that you’re somehow are a gay basher, or you’re into denying people rights, and all those other negative connotations.”

In “bronc’s” world, being FOR things is positive, and being AGAINST them is negative. Which means that if you love animals, you should be FOR factory farms, and if you hate pollution, you should be AGAINST green technology. And by the way, quit saying he’s “into” denying people their rights when he’s only planning to do it this one time. Jeez.

Thanks to reader Joy for the tip. Send me your fundamentally flawed findings at flawedfundamentally(at)gmail.com!

“Hetrosexual men stay with their wives through thick and thin and don’t make it all about sex. Homosexulaity seperates sex from procreation – diminishing the act to just a physical release no different than a burp or a fart.”

I’m going to take a flying leap here and hypothesize that this guy 1) is thumpingly bored with his marriage, 2) hasn’t had nearly as much sex recently as he feels he’s due, and 3) blames his wife for the fact that he’s not permitted to burp and fart anytime, anywhere. He’s a self-denying martyr, a long-suffering hetero-hairshirt-wearer, practically a monk, you guys—which probably explains his barely-concealed envy of the homosexu-laity.

“The ramification of prog 8 is more than meets the eye than same sax controversy. It is beyond. Free speech, voting and owning a gun are rights-you do not need a license for these things-see the difference?”

Dear “A Real Man”: Do you ever get anything right?

Not funny

October 16, 2008

Just a reminder: Laughing at bigots is great. Defeating them on Election Day is better. If you haven’t done so recently, please visit No on Proposition 8, watch their newest ad, and make a donation to help keep it on the air. (Non-Californians can donate as well.) Thanks.

Eight: Enough.

October 14, 2008

I’ve had it. I can’t spend another day reading the wisdom of California’s anti-equality, pro-Proposition brainiacs without sharing their brilliance with the wider blogosphere. Orange County’s local papers are too intimate a venue for the profound and nuanced prose—nay, poetry—of some of our brightest homophobic stars, so I’m pleased to thrust a bigger, longer microphone up to their eager mouths.

Let the fun begin.