My mom is not less than my pops, and other inaccuracies

“Hey LOTS of folks including your MOM<POPS thinks that MARRIAGE should stay sacred THAT’S between A MAN+WOMAN What is the meaning of the word MARRIAGE anyway a union of TWO souls, SOUL MATES , LIFE PARTNERS (RIGHT) so the F***K what you can’t have that WORD MARRIAGE in front your UNION SOUL MATES LIFE PARTNER what ever you may call it. SAME SEX partners have the right ass any other traditional couples so what’s the BIG WOOP about the WORD MARRIAGE. HEY no ONE is telling you can’t be with the ONE YOU WANT TO BE WITH OR LOVE. <BUT PLEASE DONT SHOVED YOUR PERSONAL AFAIRS IN THE PUBLICS FACE>”

Hidden in this typographical assault on the senses are at least three nuggets of truth and wisdom:

1) Marriage is the union of two souls.
2) What is the big “woop” about the word “marriage”?
3) Same-sex couples totally have the right ass.

That’s a Lot of mistakes

“I understand what people thinking that it’s noboby elses’s buissness who marries who. We are going to far away from what is right and wrong, there has to be al line some where. It’s Sodem and Gamora all over again. It’s ditubing.”

Oh, “mariamaria”? Al Line called. He said he is somewhere—he’s been waiting for you in Sodom and Gomorrah, which is where he thought you wanted to meet, but obviously you meant Sodem and Gamora. So he was wrong, even though really he was right, and the upshot is that he’s pretty far away. Anyway, he’s still totally looking forward to a nice afternoon of (di)tubing on the Jordan River.

To me it will mean “Leaving, Gormless Bigots? Ta!”

“If not halted the schools will soon be overrun by this agenda. It will be taught that many of our presidents were gay. That many of our scientists and great leaders were homosexual. Our children’s fairy tales will be re-written. They will be fairy tales for sure. Snow White will be a lesbian. The 7 dwarfs will all be gay. Cinderella will be a transvestite while Prince Charming will be a Transsexual. They will demand a national holiday not unlike Martin Luther King Jr. Day. LGBT rights Day it will be called. To us it will mean Long Gone Basic Traditions and goodbye America.”

Next thing you know, they’ll want to teach our kids that dinosaurs co-existed with humans, and that the only way to prevent pregnancy and a slow descent into whoredom is never, ever to have filthy, filthy sex outside the bonds of Godly heterosexual matrimony. Hey, at least Drag Cinderella could reasonably be expected to shed some light on that slipper slope we were wondering about.

Or else you’ll have to deal with the oliceman-pay

“A word to the uniformed: you cannot use the word omohay- exualsay in a post.”

Thanks for the tip! Fortunately, we’ve learned plenty of synonyms over the years.

Sincerely,
The Village People

Terrorist fist bump to Atalanta for this one.

Blow some my way

“I lost my right to smoke Indoors, and you were busy watching the rainbow. I lost my right to spread the gospel in school, and you didn’t care I lost my rights to alot of things that made perfect sence and your crowd cheered. Yes on 8, Too bad so sad.”

Come on, gays, let’s get our act together! This guy would have been one hundred percent behind us if only we hadn’t plucked the Camel from his mouth and the Bible from his hands! God, it irks me when we lose a potential supporter because we’re too busy rainbow-gazing. In the future, try not to belittle the importance of spreading Christianity and second-hand smoke, okay?

We can share Big Bear

“The homophobic, bigoted populace of this country will never give LGBT the civil rights they are entitled to. Therefore in the interest of fairness I propose this: Under eminent domain legislation the United States of America purchases San Bernardino County in Ca, ( the largest county in the US) and makes it a sovereign country. We owe the LGBT at least that much for all the years of opression we have put them through The state will be called Queersland and the capital will be named Gayville. It will be composed of 3 cities named respectively; Lesbiantown, Transgender Village, and Bisexual Woods. LGBT types can come from all over the world to this new land from far and wide to a place that is exclusively their’s. In exchange for this generosity from America only a few conditions are attached. Any and all laws that have elevated this community are now null and void. No domestic partnerships, no same-sex marriage, no ‘don’t ask, don’t tell concerning military enlistment or behavior in the armed services. No gay foster parents or gay adoptions. No gay parades or gay pride weeks. No gay churches, No gay TV or movies. no gay clubs. To keep it brief no gay nothing. All are welcome to stay in the US if they choose and to visit at their leisure.”

Although “Queersland” represents an unusual level of cleverness for a fundy, I’m not sure this is really in the best interests of our nation, and I’d like to propose a counter-offer. I suggest that the LGBTs stay put, and that scenic San Bernardino County be designated for the exclusive use of the right-wing fundamentalists. The capital will be called Jesus Junction, and surrounding cities will include Christucky, Tel Evangelist, and Ned Flandersville. In return, there will be a few changes made in America. No tax-exempt megachurches. No faith-based initiatives. No Liberty University or Trinity Broadcasting Network. No purity balls, no Creation Museums, no ex-gay ministries. No Left Behind books, no “Not of This World” bumper stickers, and for God’s sake, no Kirk Cameron movies.

It’d be sad to lose Joshua Tree, but I think it’s a good trade. Feel free to propose additional terms of the transaction in comments.