From the “I couldn’t possibly improve upon these” files

“Homosexuality is contrary to our hyman nature.”

“To say that the majority of hetersexuals engage in sodomy is a fellacious and ignorant statement.”

Wild guess: These guys were teabagging this week.

In which another fundy analogy fails miserably

“It is kind of like saying ‘my neighbor has a great medical plan, and time off for maternity, and retirement with bonuses’ I want what he has, but I am different, I have a different job that does not offer that. I feel I am being treated as a second class citizen. I want to have the same benefits that he has, but I don’t work for that company, I am going to protest and start a drive to get the same benefits without the qualifications required. It is only fair that I am treated the same as my neighbor..I am equal and those benefits are rightfully mine too. I think all people should have the same rights as all other people no matter what company they work for. I think we should all have the same free medical plan our Congressional leaders have and the same pay they have, and all the same benefits..after all we the people pay for what they have, we should have it too.”

What intrigues me most here is not the fact that “GrandmaOf24” almost seems to be talking herself into the whole crazy concept of equality as she rambles on. It’s the fact that her male neighbor qualifies for maternity leave.

Science/fiction

“you all dimiss god because it hits you where it hurts. i’m just saying from the stand point of what is natural marrying someone of the same sex makes no sence. that’s science. it isn’t natural scientifically to be with someone of the same sex. these losers are blaming everyone. they were blaming the blacks then the catholics, PROTESTONS, the mexicans, everyone…even infighting, and gays blaming themselveles. cry babies!”

In other science news, the discovery of a new subatomic particle, the Proteston, is making waves among biologists. Early research indicates that the Proteston is distinguishable by its disdain for the papacy and its fondness for church potlucks.

No comma splice left behind

“I cant understand why where letting these sinners ruin our society they want to ruin marriage they have already ruined are younger generations minds buy starting with the kids telling them its ok for a man to marry a man thats so wrong you don’t teach children to sin gay people are ruining our society by teaching the younger generation its ok to do something cause it feels good if want to be gay fine go home be gay quit teaching it to my kids”

Would it be okay if we taught your kids a little something about punctuation and run on sentences otherwise theyll grow up and post inane and interminable comments on newspaper websites like their father who writes dumb bigoted things under the username Abraham Lincoln thats so wrong frankly if you ask me being gay is likely to be the least of their problems

When will they ever learn?

“When will the little gays learn we don’t particularly care about their opinions. Ok you like perversion got it. now just tired of hearing you whine. We win, we will always win, we can do what we want because we are the majority. You have yet to prove that wrong.”

Good point. What we’re doing isn’t working. Send for….the BIG GAYS.

Unplesantville

“You really don’t know what you are talking about when you say you want to be there and wave at the Chirstians as they are taken out at the Rapture. Once that event occuss and it will one day take place, as sure as I am sitting in front of my computer screen. It will usher in the worst 7 years the world has ever seen. There will be a one world dictator who will pretend to be a man of peace, but will soon rule with an iron hand. everyone will be required to recieve a mark on their right hand or on their forhead to buy or sell anything, there will be wide spread famine, earthquakes and natural disasters. It won’t be plesant.”

OH MY GOD! I realize now that I had a presentiment of the Rapture just a few months ago! A despotic leader was in charge of the nation, and there were people starving, and we’d just had a little earthquake, and somebody stamped my hand before I was allowed to buy anything! ….Oh, wait. That was a nightclub in LA.

Well, that puts a whole new spin on “top” and “bottom”

“Well I’m married (that’s real married for you confused folks), and besides the ethics of my adult sexuality excludes the molestation (that’s subduction to you confused folks) of adolescents.”

SUBDUCTION [suhb-duhk-shuhn]: Geology. The process by which collision of the earth’s crustal plates results in one plate’s being drawn down or overridden by another, localized along the juncture (subduction zone) of two plates.

REAL MARRIAGE [reel mah-raj]: Entrenched patriarchy. The process by which collision of two human beings results in one woman’s being drawn down or overridden by a man such as Marc34me, who, incidentally, is the same fine specimen who  gave us this.

Oh, brother

“People don’t have the big families like they did in years past so fewer ‘younger brothers’. Why are there so many more gays now than years ago. Mormons still have large families and when was the last time you saw a gay Mormon?”

Yesterday. Oh, no, scratch that, it was just this morning. Hey! There goes another one!

Wankers of the world, unite

“Gays want to ask how their marriage hurts us? Ok you want an answer then answer this, how will gay marriage benefit the rest of the 95% of the population, if your answer is that it wont help, neither will we.”

Ignoring for a moment the myriad ways in which marriage equality arguably does benefit society, let’s simply consider the implications of adopting a system in which everything that doesn’t actively and tangibly advance the greater good is outlawed. Then, let’s consider the probability that the same guy who posted this is also on seven different internet forums telling anyone who will listen that Barack Obama is a dirty socialist.

A very merry un-marriage to you

“A merrage is and has been between a Man and a Woman. I don’t care what Homosexuals do as long as they do not degrade merrage. Don’t use the word ‘Merrage’ in your what ever.”

Isn’t it nice when their requests are so easy to accommodate?

Odessay, can you see

“It was at the time of Onstatine that a group of Bishops using existing manuscripts decided what was to be put in the Bible and what was not. We have far more documents dated much closer to the original writings for the New Testament than we do any other ancient document, that is considered to be literiarilly accurate, inlcuding the Illiad and the Odessay”

Wait…..all that stuff about Scylla and Charybdis, and Circe turning the guys into swine, and the blinding of the cyclops…..you’re implying that there’s some question about its historical accuracy? Amazing. I am Onstantly surprised by the things I learn here.

The math of God shall be upon your head

“If ‘Math’ is the state of being and ‘addition’ is the ethic, the the ‘sum’ is the moral, i. e.
1+2=3 (A true state of being)
If we ‘redefine’ the ethic by changing the symbol (+) to (-), yet cling to the first ‘moral’ then we get;
1-2=3 (a false state of being or a lie)
The True Moral of the second being is (-1);
1-2=-1 (a true statement of the second being)
This isn’t to say that addition is ‘better’ than subtraction, it only illustrates that the truth, regardless of the ethic, will always lead to an honest moral that is constructive to the state of being; in this case Math.
If math is a ‘universal concept’ then its processes apply to all ‘things’. Since [same-gender marriage] is a thing, then ‘math’ applies, there for SGM does not equal M. I suspect those who adopt policies [that] defy something as simple as math are the first to go.”

We can only hope.

Torcher Song Trilogy

“When you make it legal for gay marriage then you make it legal for gay people make it a right to show off their gay culture that would spread from store front and throughout school district that can confuse youth and childrens. Young people would get torcher by fellow student more if this is legalized. Are youth is not ready for this movement they haven’t been school yet this would opening up hatred. Young Gay people have alot anger inside their relation that only older gay people over 50 can get along better with each other. Marriage is not like get a tattoo it is more serious gay people.”

He’s right about the last bit. Undoing a tattoo requires hours of searing laser pain. Undoing 18,000 same-sex marriages requires listening to Ken Starr for 30 minutes. I know which one I’d pick.

Mary, Mary, quite contrary

Most of the time, the abuses foisted upon the English language by the contributors to this site go unchecked by their authors. Every now and then, though, a writer catches and corrects his or her own error, and since we all make mistakes from time to time, it’s only fair that I give credit for edits. Witness this commenter’s original post:

“all citizens have this funamental right. Marriage is defined as a man and a woman. And any man can mary any woman. And any woman can mary every man.”

Well! That’s clearly not right. Fortunately, the commenter realized this, and issued a quick correction:

“I mean ‘any oman can mary any man’ man before you nit pick on the last comment those that are anto prop 8”

Gotcha.

Then what’s the point of being in front of them?

“Utah dowes not have the complete right to be in front of those that think sodomy is wrong, Tennessee has just as good and worthy christians. This whole land we live in has turned from Christ. Sodomy in the forfront of popularity, abortion being the murderous way for sexual convinience and the mere thought of sex out of wedlock is adultry and fornication. All these are Christian terms. Why get so upset at our moral code, it is you that cannot adhere to it. Sodomy is like a duck, if it quacks likes a duck and walks like a duck and looks like a duck – well get the messgae.”

I think we need another reading guide. Please enjoy the following discussion questions with your book circle:

1) The author is hurt that Utah gets all the attention when Tennessee is, in his opinion, every bit as bigoted. Do you agree with this assessment? Can you think of other states that might feel similarly neglected?

2) The author makes the intriguing claim that “sodomy,” “abortion,” “adultry,” and “fornication” are all “Christian terms.” What do you suppose he means by this? What other terms would you add to his list?

3) Do you agree that “sodomy is like a duck”? Isn’t sodomy actually more like a goose?

4) As an extra activity, draw a picture of how you think a “messgae” might look! Would rumpled flannel and poorly gelled hair be involved?

You and I are gonna live forever (but only if we’re straight)

“a monogamous married man/woman marriage will always be completly free of disease…always…because, GOD/nature (you choose) made that possible. Even monogamous homosexual relationships, particularly men, will always result in signigcant health issues and possible death. MSM tend to engage in sexual behavior that requires the use of our bodies waste receptacle. And, unfortuantely, because that is not GOD’S/nature’s design it results in serious health consequences. Medical science will support this fact. No law can negate this fact! Ever! Unless you, personally, have found a way to negate this fact.”

Discussion questions for today’s Godly Anatomy 101 review session:

1) Isn’t it sweet when the same people who want us to disappear from the face of the earth suddenly get all concerned about our health?

2) Does this mean lesbian relationships are the most blessed and virtuous of all?

3) What would constitute a proper “waste receptacle” for the Focus on the Family pamphlets from which this woman gets her information?

4) Who knew Liberty University had a medical school?

You can call it “gigotry” if you like

“Bigotry is reserved for those who discriminate based on race. As far as I know, homosexuality is a sexual action or preference.”

He’s collecting signatures to pass an amendment that would preserve the traditional definition of bigotry.

Their, their

“Do like men who talk like women, do you like the fact that soccer moms are being replaced by soccer Jonnies. fondeling your children, do you like predators looking at your little boys as there future lovers. Get real there was a reason why homosexuals stayed in the closet so long . they belong there. If the homosexuals want an agreement like marraige let them make up there own contracts and not call it marraige. they call each other ‘OTHER’ and significant other why not call there marraiges other than marraige.”

Let the record show that we have no objection to allowing the word “marraige” to remain the exclusive property of heterosexuals.

God, the divine disser

“Let me tell you something. I don’t agree that homosexuals are less than OR second rate. God Himself is no respecter of persons. However…HOMOSEXUALS ARE DIFFERENT!!! If I died my hair Sunfire Red and painted my face Money Green, I have just done something outside of societal norms. If people point, laugh, stare…who started it? Me.”

On the other hand, if they point and stare and stuff dollar bills in his pants, all he’ll need is a catchy drag name to be on his way. “Sunfire Money” is a bit clunky, so I came up with some related options to get him started:

A) Dawn Dough
B) Stellar Wad
C) Aurora Tender
D) Cockcrow Cash

Feel free to add your ideas in comments.

No marriage until you clean your room

“I also wanted to ask why you think we hate gays. Just because we believe they should not marry doesn’t meant we hate them. If you take something away from your child that’s not theirs do you hate them because of it? No, its just not theirs and they should have it, simple as that no emotions are attached to the action. Now the child may hate YOU for it but can you blame them they are only children. This is the same case.”

We don’t hate you—we just think of you as undisciplined four-year-olds who require strict control and supervision by the government! ….Of course, these are the same people who grow enraged at the very notion of a “nanny state,” but don’t point out their inconsistency to them, or you’ll find yourself on the Naughty Chair.